Into the Woods
by Miharu is Haruka's Love Child
Summary: Jasper just wanted to be a normal vampire for one or two pages of the book, even if it meant killing Bella and cancelling the series. Good thing Alice always keeps a bottle of brainwashing serum handy. Set in New Moon. CANON-ISH CRACK.


Into the Woods

A/N: I just watched _Vampires Suck_. This was the result. O_O

Summary: Jasper just wanted to be a normal vampire for one or two pages of the book, even if it meant killing Bella and cancelling the series. Good thing Alice always keeps a bottle of brainwashing serum handy. Set in New Moon. CANON-ISH CRACK.

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"It's Bella's birthday," Alice kept singing as she floated around adding a million candles and rose petals and general pink things to the walls and ceilings and tables and every inch of _everything_. She even put candles and rose petals _on _candles and rose petals. Esme followed her around, readjusting furniture pieces because she remembered that they weren't characters from _Harry Potter_ and vampires can't make random objects levitate..._yet._ Carlisle wasn't home because he was performing complicated surgery, a character trait that will come in handy later. In case you forget later, because the author might, Carlisle can _perform _s-u-r-g-e-r-y. Emmett and Rosalie were off in another room doing Emmett and Rosalie-like things. No one bothered to tell Alice that she couldn't actually _light _the candles she placed in the fish bowl.

The room resembled some kind of gay, pink, Japanese love hotel…but no one noticed, so no one said anything, especially when Esme busted out the jell-o shots four hours earlier than Edward and Bella's arrival. The fact that she would be drunk around a defenseless human girl didn't even cross her mind as she sucked the little vodka/Kool-Aid mix.

Since the author loves this story and actually cares about the characters, she spends an obstinate amount of time describing the hackneyed birthday preparations. It has nothing to do with the fact that this story actually lacks _plot_ or something of that sort. Not at all.

The only person not amused by the birthday preparations was the figure who stood draped in the living room's one corner of shadow. Jasper caught Alice's arm before she could fixate a candle to his hair.

"Alice, there's something that's been bothering me. We need to talk."

"It's Bella's birthdaaaaaay." She continued to sing.

"Yeah, I know its Bella's birthday. You've been chanting that for the last three pages of this chapter, which doesn't actually make sense as this is a barely the first page of this one-shot. But I'm going to ignore that in favor of this plot-saving confession. I just have something really important to s—"

"It's Bella's birthday," she cut him off aggressively, completely ignoring the pleading angst in his eyes.

"I'm having cravings," he whispered into her ear, sending a shudder through her body.

She looked him dead in the eye and saw the hunger there. She chuckled nervously as she rapped a finger against his chest, "Naughty Jasper, not in front of Esme."

He sighed and stared at her. "I meant for blood, Alice."

"Oh." Her face fell visibly and she pulled her blouse down a few inches until her breasts popped just a little more, "How about now?"

"Still craving _blood_."

"Damn."

Alice was at a loss. If she couldn't solve the problem with her sex appeal, then she wasn't quite sure how to help Jasper. Luckily, she didn't have to think about it anymore as the doorbell rang, announcing Bella and Edward's arrival. And since Jasper was only a secondary character in the next 10 minutes of plot, she was happy to turn her attention away from him, if only for a moment. She raced to the door, jumping over a few of her candle and rose shrines in the process and opened the door without a single strand of hair out of place. Perfect, like everything else in Bella's world.

"Happy Birthday, Bella!" she enveloped the girl in a bone-crunching hug, ignoring that her body was hard and cold and rapidly stealing Bella's body heat.

Bella stepped into the room and shielded her eyes as Edward took her hand. She didn't notice Emmett sneak past her and towards her car, especially since Emmett hadn't even been in the room since this fic started. Bella was too busy trying to catch her breath after Alice's hug. Since the author has them filter everything through metaphoric rose-colored glasses anyways, the Cullen's dismissed her sputtering and gasps as excitement over Alice's decorations. Then everyone watched Bella in some strange stalker-like fashion as she opened her presents. Because an ordinary girl slipping tape and shiny paper off boxes was much more interesting than superhuman vampires were. Naturally so.

And then Bella went and got a paper cut.

Blood seemed to pour out of her finger in slow motion, evoking all of Jasper's senses as he flicked his eyes over his delectable sustenance. In that moment, he lost utter control. Bella's blood was just _that_ alluring. Years of training and being around high school girls who menstruated hadn't prepared him for the succulent scent of _Bella_'s blood. As he watched the red liquid spurt from her finger, he didn't think about how Bella was defying anatomic restrictions, or about how she should be anemic from the amount of blood loss from a _paper cut_. But we won't blame this on the author's ignorance in physics and physiology. For Bella and Edward's love, we'll let it slide once…_per chapter_.

The moment Jasper leapt forward, he and Edward locked eyes. In his rush to be heroic, Edward shoved Bella backwards. She flew into a glass table and cut herself a million times more as her body hit the shattering glass. But she wasn't thinking about the pain. She was thinking about how sexy she looked flying through the air in slow motion and how noble Edward was to protect her like that.

Edward leapt forward and caught Jasper in an angsty staring contest, but Jasper could never out-emo Edward, so they remained fighting in the air in that kick-ass slow motion kind of fighting, because the author _so _didn't just watch the Matrix trilogy and think it would be 'hawt' to add that in the scene. Fuck you, I said it was _original,_ damn it!

When the two boys crashed into the floor and continued to stare deeply into each other's eyes in a way that was totally 'not-gay', Bella finally realized that the attention was no longer on her and she cried out in pain. Carlisle mysteriously appeared at her side and Alice attempted to help him lift her out of the kitchen.

Jasper ran out of the room and Emmett pursued. When Bella was situated in the kitchen, Edward and Alice followed as well. Jasper may have had a head start, but Edward's super speed allowed him to catch up and crash into the boy. Emmett held him fast as Edward raised his fists, murder in his eyes. When he was inches from ripping Jasper's head off, Alice's voice rang from behind them.

"Edward don't! The signs were all there earlier. I saw them but I just brushed them off. He tried asking me for help and I did nothing. Don't hurt him, he can't control it."

Edward slowly lowered his fists, Alice's words burning only mildly into his revenge-filled mind.

"Alice, do you know what's wrong with him?" questioned Rosalie, because the author just remembered that Rosalie was supposed to be there.

"Yes," replied Alice, "Earlier he denied my sexual advances, and since I'm unbelievably hot, there can be only one explanation. He's suffering from an acute case of Bieber fever."

"You mean he thinks he's gay?" gasped Emmett.

"I even flashed him my tits. No response." Alice was nearly in tears.

The other vampires looked at her with deep sympathetic expressions. Bieber fever had been sweeping the nation and there was no known cure for it. If not even her Venus boobs had done the trick, then they had to resort to drastic measures for Jasper.

"I'm not gay! I just want to drink human blood. Like a _normal _vampire!" he shouted desperately, still unable to break from Emmett's hold.

"Its okay baby," Alice cooed, "We've got some brainwashing serum here. We'll fix you all up and be one big happy _not-gay_ family again."

Jasper spit at Alice, "Do you realize a fucking tampon makes a better vampire than we do? We're freaks! We're unnatural! We need to stop deluding ourselves. Don't you ever want to be nor—"

Alice kissed him fiercely and effectively cut him off for the second time that night, this time using the distraction to stab a well-placed needle into Jasper's forearm. They watched his eyes dilate as the brainwashing serum entered his system and spread to his brain. He began to slump in Emmett's arms.

"Now repeat after me," Alice whispered to his drugged mind, "Bella good. Blood bad. Bella good. Blood bad."

"Bella good. Blood bad. Bella good. Bella good." Was the zombie-like response.

The other vampires sighed in relief. Edward returned to the Cullen house to check up on Bella, since Carlisle was sure to have patched her arm up in the time it took to sedate Jasper. Emmett and Rosalie left in one direction to do Emmett and Rosalie-like things, but Alice stayed with Jasper in the moonlight.

"Silly boy," she whispered, cradling him into her chest as he repeated his drugged-mantra in her ear.

It had been close. If they hadn't stopped Jasper, it would have ruined everything. Alice didn't want to think about how the fan girls would have reacted if Bella had died and the series been discontinued. She was more content to watch the spit bubbles form at the corner of his mouth as he lost more and more motor functions to the brainwashing serum. She didn't like having to drug him, but she did it for _them_, did it for Bella and Edward's love, did it for the sake of the book series.

"Besides, who would want to be a normal vampire?" She spoke into the crisp night air, "They don't even sparkle."

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*cough* to quote the random fan girls from the _Vampires Suck_ movie, "Team Jacob, bitch!" XD XD XD XD XD

Umn...review please?


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